Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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