Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
