mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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