one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Panties = found
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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