Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
