Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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