Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
