i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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