she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
