Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Randomize
