Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am one with the molecules
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
