The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
