it was like his penis was on wheels.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
