I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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