Can i not drive my cunt home
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
