But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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