if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
