anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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