I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
