we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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