tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
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My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
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I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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