Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
