i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
