I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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