Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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