And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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