took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
