Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
