drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
