he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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