My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
