i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
