life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
