Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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