Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
