your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
