She said her name was "party"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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