I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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