Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
