I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
