i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
