I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
