Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
