Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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