I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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