i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
