I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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