fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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