i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
