I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
