I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
