Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
