somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
