Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
