I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
