Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize