I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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