Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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