my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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